Where this belief fits
Schema Domain: Impaired Autonomy & Performance
Lifetrap: Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self
Non-Nurturing Elements™ (Precursors):
How this belief keeps repeating:
Evidence Pile
When this belief is active, the mind looks for signs that outcomes are unpredictable or externally driven, treating uncertainty as proof that control is slipping or already lost.
Show common “proof” items
- Plans change unexpectedly or don’t unfold as imagined
- Other people’s decisions affect the outcome more than anticipated
- Effort doesn’t reliably lead to the desired result
- Situations feel dependent on timing, luck, or external approval
- Even small variables feel capable of derailing progress
When control feels uncertain, tension builds as the system stays hyper-focused on managing outcomes, decisions, and risks—leaving little room for ease or flexibility.
Show common signals
- Mental over-planning or rehearsing every possible outcome
- Difficulty delegating or trusting others to handle things
- Strong discomfort with uncertainty, ambiguity, or waiting
- Feeling tense when plans change or things feel unpredictable
- A sense of responsibility for preventing things from going wrong
When the strain becomes too much, the system releases pressure by either tightening control further—or disengaging entirely to escape the overwhelm.
Show Opt-Out patterns
- Micromanaging, correcting, or taking over tasks
- Reassurance-seeking or repeatedly checking decisions
- Avoiding decisions altogether to escape responsibility
- Procrastination or "freezing" when choices feel loaded
- Emotional shutdown or withdrawal when things feel unmanageable
This belief doesn’t just show up in moments of chaos — it colours everything with the fear that someone else is pulling the strings.
“I Am Not In Control” often forms when boundaries were blurred growing up, or when emotional enmeshment made it hard to separate your wants from others’ expectations. The result? A nervous system wired to either submit or resist — but rarely choose freely.
What It Sounds Like Internally:
- “I don’t even know what I want.”
- “It doesn’t matter what I choose — it never works out.”
- “I feel trapped but guilty for wanting out.”
Where It Shows Up:
- Struggling to set or maintain boundaries
- Feeling consumed by others’ emotions or expectations
- Going along with decisions to avoid conflict
- Oscillating between people-pleasing and reactive rebellion
What It Can Lead To:
Unchecked, this belief often evolves into:
- “If I take control, something will go wrong.”
- “If I assert myself, I’ll hurt someone.”
- “My choices don’t matter.”
Want to Dive Deeper into the “I Am Not in Control” Pattern?
Discover related beliefs, emotional triggers, and how therapy can help you recondition this deep-rooted belief for real change.
What Therapy Targets:
We don’t teach you to take control — we help your nervous system feel safe having it.
Using Pattern Reconditioning, therapy gently unwinds the enmeshment loop, rewires threat responses around autonomy, and helps you reclaim the power to choose — without fear or collapse.
👉 Explore the Therapy Approach →
👉 See the Full Pattern Breakdown →
