Decision Paralysis & Fear of Choosing Wrong

Andrea McTague: Hello and welcome to episode 40 of the Shift Show. I'm Andrea McTague, a registered psychologist and the founder of ShiftGrit Counseling and Psychology. And today I'm joined by Kai Ongaro, and we're going to chat a little bit about decision paralysis and that fear of choosing wrong. But first a little bit about Kai. Kai, you're part of our client experience team and you're also a student of psychology. Can you tell me a little bit about what you're studying and where you're at?

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, so I'm Kai. I'm in my fourth year at the University of Alberta. I'm currently studying under Dr. Kyle Nash in the Nash Social Neuroscience Lab, and I'll be running my honors program research study soon.

Andrea McTague: That is very exciting. I can't wait to see what you do with it. Kai, we talked a lot about how your age group, particularly, so like as university students and so on and so on, are facing this episode of decision paralysis and is really, really relevant sort of thing. And basically, decision paralysis is a pattern in which making choices feels disproportionately high stakes. So it's like driven by the belief that one wrong move could permanently limit your identity or an opportunity or some future stability. So basically we've got the threat brain activated and it creates this opt-out behavior of just like, I don't want to choose anything. Do you see that in your in your life and in your friends? And what's it look like for you guys?

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, absolutely. I think that really comes into play within within academia because you're looking at whether to take on certain opportunities, whether that be through research or deciding which classes to proceed with, or even the way you approach an assignment or studying, it can feel very high stakes of getting it perfect or getting it right on the first try and worrying how that's going to impact your future opportunities. So it can definitely be a bit paralyzing when you're not sure which path to take because you don't want to limit yourself.

Andrea McTague: Hundred percent. So it kind of goes into this thing where it's like if I choose one wrong thing, if I choose like the wrong thing, then my entire trajectory is gonna be thrown off and I'm just gonna end up being like a total failure at life or whatnot. Right. But it also shows up that decision paralysis, analysis paralysis, whatever you want call it, also shows up when we lack clarity on the thing that we're deciding, or when we're doing some comparisons to other people, or when we've got that like failure. And one of the limiting beliefs that we see really commonly with decision paralysis is stuff is that I'm a failure because the dysfunctional need for I'm a failure is I need to be successful. And so it's like, well I have to be successful at every single decision possible, whether it's like choosing which restaurant or choosing you know, what school program to take or whatever. And so what is the like outcome of that typically that analysis paralysis? Like what are you seeing in that regard?

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, that analysis paralysis, it's paralyzing, of course. So rather than, you know, just making decisions and figuring it out as you go, when you get too caught up on making simple decisions and when you're looking for that control in your life, it can actually set you back further. So you're stuck in the same loop. And it's hard to actually end up finding more opportunities and more success because you've kept yourself stuck. So That can be really tough, especially, you know, for people of my generation, my age group, when you're looking at when you're going to university, whether you're deciding to go to grad school afterwards or to go into the workforce after, it can feel like a lot of pressure knowing, well, am I gonna be able to get into this program? Am I gonna be able to get a job? So when you're kind of stuck in that loop, you end up limiting yourself further.

Andrea McTague: Well, I think like part of what gets people stuck in that loop is putting that like high stakes piece on it rather than like looking at life as like an experiment. Okay, well I'll try this. So you get more into the like mental analysis thought trap and these like loops versus like, okay, I'm gonna do something and then get the additional feedback from the world. So it just like that high stakes thing and it's interesting because it creates this problem of often looking like you don't care. Because you're not picking or there's some avoiding going on or whatever, but it's actually the opposite. It's like hyper caring about the future. Like, well, if I do this, then this could happen, or this could happen, or this could happen. And then all of the this could happen pile up and they end up just being this opt-out of like, well, I'm not gonna choose anything. I can't choose anything. And often that will look like a bit of procrastination, or it looks like a a fear of commitment. And so this is where we see it also playing into relationships, right? And I think in the current zeitgeist, too much choice, you know, whether we're getting into the like the bumble tindering or whatever, whatever, gives us this thing where there's too many inputs and it's hard to come up with like what is the thing that I should just experiment on and like putting your foot forward. So we're seeing it also really, really implicated in that failure to launch sort of piece. Where people care about their future a lot, but then they kind of can't take the next steps. Do you see that kind of popping up? And what are your thoughts on it?

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, absolutely. Especially when you're looking at the relationship piece there, I find that especially within my generation, a lot of people are so hyper focused on finding the perfect partner or the perfect job opportunity or the perfect friendship or vacation or whatever that may be. And when you're so focused on that perfection and making sure it's just as good as it can be, again, you limit yourself further. So especially when you're looking at relationships. You know, you see that grass is always greener perspective. And when you're looking at how it's portrayed on social media and how those relationships are shown, people can tend to limit themselves and not let themselves actually explore and feel it out. They're looking for what they're shown or looking for how can I have this perfect relationship in my life.

Andrea McTague: So it's like certainty of outcome becomes a requirement for any decision versus like, okay, well, we're gonna try this out. And I always I often will put my clients into this thing of like, let's take it to from choice to that's gonna impact like identity and life trajectory and all this like huge thing which pushes up that pressure cooker and get it into just an experiment. Like we're gonna try to take this class, or we're gonna try to apply for this job, or we're gonna Go on a few dates with this person and just like see it as an experiment where you're taking out that like fail or pass kind of orientation, which I would say that with certain limiting beliefs, and they often come from the non-nurturing elements of things like coddling or over involvement by parents, lots of direction, because I think your generation is one where it's had like the most structured activities, the most parental like focus on you. Right. So those things all erode like self efficacy and that b belief in someone's identity, the belief that they can do things. Right. So it goes into this like high pressure land. And then that's when we get that whole certainty becoming a requirement for any decision making. So instead of like weighing the options enough and then moving forward, the mind begins to search for like complete certainty, which of course when we get into like the realm of life, you cannot find. Right. So then it I've seen it with clients, especially they'll get into like a research loop, whether it's they're like researching a new bike to buy or whatever, whatever, where it's like all of the possibilities and what they're actually doing is they're making more confounding variables and they're just like getting more things to wade through. And you can stay in that realm of feeling like you're moving forward, but you're actually just in that weighing options cycle and then weighing more options and then finding more options. And then it creates that like paralysis. Thing where you're not moving on to the next stage, which is interesting because that analysis is related to the dysfunctional needs. So it's actually reducing discomfort, but only temporarily. Because what it ends up doing is it creates this like time pressure, as all like kind of procrastinations. And it's a type of procrastination, right? Analysis, paralysis. And then that will create that time pressure. Well, now everybody's picked their courses or now everybody's got a girlfriend and I don't have one and I la la la la la. And then that loop continues and continues. So as time passes, the urgency increases. And I think that there's a focus on wasting years or falling behind, which then adds to that pressure because there's this like structured outcome. And you touched on everyone's got this lens. in the zeitgeist now of the social media fed like perfect life. How do you see that kind of affecting your generation and like what they are facing with the decisions?

Kai Ongaro: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I think specifically in the realm of social media, whether it be people who are like fitness influencers or beauty influencers or like a family vlog style thing or relationships, however that content may be delivered, it can be really tough to feel like it's relatable or approachable because they've already got it all figured out, it seems, and that's what they're displaying to you. So what happens is when you're consuming this, you're thinking, okay. If I'm gonna get started, I need to get started perfectly. And then you just keep pushing it off and you don't make progress because you think, well, if I can't start perfectly right now, then I shouldn't get started.

Andrea McTague: Exactly. And that's kind of like a huge thing. If you're seeing this like endpoint, but you don't see the work to get to, which is what social media really like it changes, right? Like it's showing you the endpoint of something. It's not showing you how many times they tried or how many video edits were done for that picture or you know, all the grind at the gym to get that perfect body or whatever it is. And I think that that seeing this like edited piece of just the final product only is really like having an effect on activating the limiting beliefs that might already be in there in somebody. And when we look at that package, we're looking at things like I'm incapable, so I need to be capable. I'm not good enough so I need to be perfect. And I'm a failure so I need to be successful. But when you are learning or taking on any new skill, you have to approximate the thing, which means you're not gonna be good at it. But if you get stuck in that thing where everything has to be perfect out the gate, then you can't do anything to your point. Like you're just stuck there or whatnot. So I think is when identity and outcome become fused is when we start to see this like problem. And this is where the limiting beliefs get into it, because the non-nurturing elements that your generation has faced is like a lot of parental involvement, sometimes parental over involvement, and also I'd say a safety culture that we didn't have in our generation. So I'm a Gen X. And, you know, even if you look at the way playgrounds were built in my day and how they are now, it's like that safety sort of piece. And like over over focusing on the safety also think amplifies the perception of risk or the perception of impact, like the impact level in something. Like if you fall off the playground, you're mostly gonna be fine. But if you grew up in a zeitgeist where it tells you, no, you can't fall, you can't make a mistake.

Kai Ongaro: Uh-huh.

Andrea McTague: you've only got to hit these outcomes, then you're going to get into that hole. Like if I choose wrong, it's like that forever. Like we're this is impact forever. It's all, it's all gonna be bad, right? Like you can't shift trajectory either. And so in terms of relationships, we touched on that a little bit, like how do you think that that's showing up for your generation in relationships? Because it's with the way that the online dating and social media dating and then the apps. It's given you like a lot of choice or perception of choice anyways. How is that kind of like showing in relationship commitment, do you think? Is it like more or less in your generation?

Kai Ongaro: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think when we're looking at relationships within my generation, it can be really tough because a lot of this idea is being put out there that, if he wanted to, he would, he should be opening the door for you, paying for your dinner every time. There's a lot of these expectations that are building up when in reality it's it's not realistic. And you can build this idea that this is how the perfect relationship is supposed to look. And I'm gonna wait and I'm not going to commit to anyone until this perfect person rolls around. And it creates this idea that when you do find this perfect person, it's supposed to be seamless and effortless and all rainbows, but relationships take work and that's what's not being shown. And

Andrea McTague: No talent. Well, and they take mistakes too. Like I think anything that we do in life, it takes mistakes, right? Like you know, saying something, it's not not the right thing, it doesn't land, or like there's a little misalignment. And like when you have the expectation that you are going to have bumps in the road, that there is going to be challenge and then that's fine, that's part of the journey, then you're able to commit and not get thrown off and it feels like if I commit to this one person and they do this one little thing, like he doesn't open the car door for me, or I get one bad mark in my program or whatever, it means Obviously, this is a total fail, can't do it, shouldn't make any more decisions. And I think the walnut brain, aka the threat brain, starts to collect these pieces as pieces of evidence to support a limiting belief rather than pieces of evidence and information to direct future decision making. Right. And so, like I said, we're definitely seeing a lot of like the like I'm a failure one popping up in this and I'm incapable. Like, well, I can't. choose like the perfect boyfriend. So I can't choose anybody, right? And so it kind of goes into that a little bit. And I think that that's why we also see people going back to researching or gaining more options again, which actually ends up creating that loop again of making them feel less certain because you're just adding information which highlights those trade-offs rather than eliminating them. So when the goal's like total certainty, new data can expand perceived risk instead of narrowing it down.

Kai Ongaro: Wo.

Andrea McTague: And then if you add things like online dating to that, well, you can do a lot of data and you can talk to a lot of people and so on and so on. And then it makes it harder to like focus on just try one thing. And I think that simplification of try one thing, fail at it a little bit, see if that informs your decision to move in A direction or B decision direction. but the other thing it does, I think when someone does pick something, then it creates this never-ending second guessing loop.

Kai Ongaro: Mm-hmm.

Andrea McTague: That comes up as well, right? Because you're anal analyzing it through the lens of like, this has to be perfect and this has to be related to the perfect outcome. So I think then what you get is just people finding that that analysis, because the human mind does not like to be in two different directions. It does not like cognitive dissonance at all. So often then the outcome is just like, you know what? It's gonna be a lot safer. And the threat brain's gonna say to you, like, why don't we just not pick? Why don't we just wait? So I think in your generation, we're seeing a lot of like delays, like the failure to launch kind of thing, right? And just like more people living at home for longer. Obviously, there's some like inflation related reasons and things like that as well. But and more people staying in school either like endlessly. I think you've probably seen a little bit of that, or just not committing and just being in a constant like first, second, third date kind of cycle and on a loop. Like

Kai Ongaro: Yeah.

Andrea McTague: Which is a slower progression, I think, to to launching. Are you seeing a lot of your friends and things like that stuck in that scenario?

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, absolutely. And even kind of touching on that cognitive dissence piece you mentioned, I think when you're spending so much time and effort making that decision, you've now tied a big piece of your identity to this decision, when it's finally made, needs to be perfect. It's not a I made this this decision quickly, so it's okay if it doesn't work out. You almost turn into this sunk cost fallacy where you've spent so much time and effort that

Andrea McTague: Mm-hmm.

Kai Ongaro: Whatever decision you do make, now maybe you feel a bit stuck in it because you're like, well, I've spent so much time making this one decision. So it'd be such a waste of my past effort to change my mind.

Andrea McTague: Hundred percent. And that's where I think you're finding like people having difficulty pivoting, right? So maybe they t choose a job position, partner, whatever it is, and then realize that have some information coming back at them and realize that genuinely it's probably not a fit for them. But to your point, well it's like, well, I've researched this for this long or I've done this and I've like now so now I'm committed. Maybe define sunken cost fallacy for our users a little bit listeners.

Kai Ongaro: Yeah, sub cost fallacy is when you spend a certain amount of time or money on something and your belief system is telling you that since you've put these resources, whether that be time, money, effort, into this thing, that you now have to see it through because you've already done all these things to get there. So a really good example of that is you bought tickets for a concert and you now really, really don't want to go anymore. It's a really miserable night it's storming and it's gonna take a lot of effort to get there. But since you've already spent this money on this, now you have to go because it'd be such a waste if you didn't.

Andrea McTague: We also see it in like gambling, right? There's it in gambling where it's like, okay, well, I'm going to, you know, like be, I'm this far into it already. Probably the data would be saying like probably get off leave the table. But instead it's like, I've put this much in, I have to get it all back, I have to get the thing, I have to correct it. So sunken cost fallacy definitely has a piece to do with this in the over researching and like the or the or the continual dating possibilities or whatnot. And it all puts back to this loop that where we're gonna see people having problems with this is when those kind of limiting beliefs. So we've got kind of I'm a failure, I'm gonna fail, I need to be successful. That one's really, really prominent. If we can get rid of that one, we tend to get rid of some of that black or white thinking on everything has to be a success, because of course, like that's not a realistic way to look at life, but the walnut brain thinks it's a perfectly good way to look at life. Then we also have I'm incapable. And this comes from like that often being a little bit coddled or being in an environment also on the other hand where you weren't given any feedback on what you could do successfully. So when we get out of like the like realistically validating children's experiences, that non-nurturing element will get into that I am incapable. So I need to be capable, like right out the gate, which takes away the approximation of learning. And then with the social media stuff, it's I am less than. I need to be more. Like these people have it all out there, or even the social comparisons, right? Which are very, very high at especially at the younger ages. So it'll create this loop of comparing your outcomes and what you're doing to other people's constantly, constantly. So getting rid of those limiting beliefs is essentially what we would do with it. And then we also have a good amount of client population that are the parents of people that are stuck in this paralysis loop. analysis paralysis or failure to launch loop. And what are you seeing with parents that are good at creating the opportunity to fail? What does that look like?

Kai Ongaro: I think where that shows up is now I'm not myself a parent, but you know, just speaking from other people I've seen, when you give your child a safe space to fail and you give them that support, as they fail, you're giving them the opportunity to build self-efficacy and build confidence and kind of their self esteem around the fact that, okay, I'm allowed to fail. But I'm also allowed to come back from failure and succeed. When you want to protect them, when you want to protect them so much, you're robbing them of that opportunity.

Andrea McTague: Yes. And to use that if we Yeah, there's a great book by Jonathan Haid called The Colling of the American Mind and talking about how we have created a f bubble wrapped kind of society for your age group that is making it a greater struggle because there's an absence of that often, right? Where it's like you can mess this up and it's fine, you can mess this up and learn something, and you're supposed to be messing things up and you're supposed to be failing at things, especially in your younger generations, right? but also that continued coddling past childhood and making it easier and easier on kids. And when you take out that challenge, you take out, to your point, that self-esteem generation as well as the self-efficacy. So I think going back, what we do here to help out with that is we can actually go back in and reprogram those limiting beliefs out and just create elimination of them. Cause if they're not there, I'd say like the natural human mind is very geared to trying things and failing. And I think just the trying things is the big piece, right? And bringing it back to that. Well it was nice to chat with you today, Kai, about this whole analysis paralysis and get your perspectives on it. So thank you very much for joining us. And if you are interested in hearing or reading a little bit more about it, we have a great article on the pattern theory resources on shiftgrit.com if you want to take a little look see.

Kai Ongaro: Thank you.

Andrea McTague: and get into a little bit of understanding of what creates this analysis and decision paralysis pattern and what we can do to get rid of it, which we do quite quite quickly. So pop on there. Thanks for joining us, Kai, and we'll talk to you next time.

Kai Ongaro: Yeah.